Learning to receive is learning to ask for the essence of what I want

I give myself permission to have what I want.

For those who find it difficult to get what they want (and presumably is good for them) in life, the operative word is “permission.”

It’s what I refer to in my workshops and coaching as “The Permissions Piece.” We have all grown up with thoughts, ideas, and beliefs that contradict what is healthy for our relationships with ourselves and others. We need to acknowledge our talents, gifts, and strengths and then use them. We’ll be individually a lot more content which then will make for better relationships with our loved ones and our community at large.

Nike said…“Just Do It”…Our spirit says…”Just Be It.”

Compliments of “The Ripple Effect Personal & Professional Development”

What’s Your Game?

I recently read a headline on a social network site begging the question “What does it mean to put more “game” into your work?” My question to that is “What’s Your Game?”

Whether we’re in a recession or not makes little difference whether your personal life is your game or your professional life is your game. The point being that if you don’t have your personal life in order, you can “play the professional game” for a while but eventually your house of cards will start to fall. Read any great sports leader who suggests you start with a solid foundation and apply that to your personal life, as well.

Working with people as a life coach and holistic counselor, I see how people’s lives get out of balance because they don’t recognize the need to prioritize their values. Recently I gave a presentation to a local Chamber of Commerce. Each time I spoke to the president she asked me, “Now Linda, this is going to be about business, right, not just making people feel good?”  Each time I was confronted with her question I wondered, “Hmmm…if you don’t feel good, how can you be affective in business?” I also wondered what her priorities were and where her personal values fit in. It was not mine to question, but it did give me pause wondering if she really knew what she was saying. Despite her challenges to my presentation, she was one who got the most out of it.

When I am asked if I am a personal or business coach, I tell them both…because it’s all about being personal. It’s all about having great communication with our loved ones, it’s all about knowing how to approach someone who presses our buttons, it’s all about knowing our own emotional quotient and how we react to what certain people say or do “to us.” If you want to have greater repoire, greater intimacy with anyone, you have to want to approach the right person, at the right time, with the right degree of intensity. If you don’t have that in your game plan, be sure you have an alternate plan for the way people react to you. It’s a dance…know the steps before you begin and know what to do if you step on someone’s toe!

Want improved communication with your loved ones, colleagues, or friends?

Call Linda at 708. 253.5600

Email: rippleeffect10@comcast.net

Website: rippleeffectpresentations.net

The Ripple Effect Personal & Professional Development

How Do You Measure Your Happiness?

Being human, we all measure how happy we are according to some “other” thing at some point in our life. Here are a few ways many of us may measure how happy we are. Do you agree? Have a different idea? Feel free to comment or email me.

———————————————————————————————-
1) Happiness is something you’re waiting for. We phrase it by saying, “I’ll be happy when…” How do you fill in the blank? When I meet Mr./Ms. Right? When I get divorced? When I earn more? When I get that job? When I lose 20 lbs.? These are all based on future events. I call it “Futurizing.” When we base our happiness on what the future holds we aren’t focusing on the present, which means we aren’t acting on the very thing we want to happen in the future. Take for example losing weight. If I say “I’ll be happy when I get down to a Size 10 or a 34 inch waistline, I’m not doing what I need to do NOW in order to get there. I’m dragging my energy into the future than hasn’t “arrived” yet. The Answer? Start thinking and feeling like its already happened. You will automatically start taking the necessary actions.

2) Happiness is equivalent to what I have. While “having things” sometimes makes life more comfortable, things are short lived. Having the latest furnishing for where you live, the coolest accessories for your wardrobe, the space you always wanted to live IN, the car you’ve always wanted to drive. Yes, these things are pleasant, but remember with more stuff comes more responsibility as in the form of more space to put new clothes ( presuming you aren’t getting rid of the old ones.), more dry cleaning bills, more insurance and maintenance on your latest vehicle or appliance, more taxes on a bigger, better place to live…you get the picture. The Answer? Perhaps it’s having the ability to have the freedom to own these things. This might equate to more money OR a more creative way of attaining them. Barter worked decades ago…ever think of that?

3) Happiness is linked from external sources. This was noted in those mentioned above. Having things or basing things in the future (although I know many people who say they were happiest in “the good ol’days), is based on something outside of yourself. Yes, no doubt a great relationship can bring joy to our lives, but if we aren’t content on the inside, that is, with who we are, no body is going to bring us any measure of happiness. I remember a fellow in college who I was in a relationship with. He was a wonderful guy but I wasn’t settled inside and therefore couldn’t really be “happy” with him at the time. I also remember buying things in my 20’s only to bring them home and not feeling good about my purchases. Now I think “Do I really need this? Do I really want that?” Nothing outside of feeling good inside could make me happy.

4) Shift Happens (and so do other things!) When something bad happens to us it’s not the thing that has occurred but rather our resistance to it. If my car breaks down in the middle of a snowstorm, yes, that’s not a fun thing to experience, but if I’ve planned what to do I’m more likely not to resist the idea that my vehicle is out of commission. If I don’t get accepted into the school of my choice there’s bound to be disappointment. If I feel myself resisting that which has happened I know immediately because my body gets tense or my stomach in is knots or I go into an emotional upheaval. If, however, I realize that it’s my resistance to this change and not the change itself, I am more apt to stay in control of my emotions and figure out an alternative solution. I demonstrate this in my workshops by having people press their hand against someone else’s ( providing they don’t have any physical disability like a weak shoulder). I ask them to press as hard as they can and then release. That’s what I’m talking about when we resist changes in our lives. Dwelling on the unfortunate parts of the “bad” just creates more “bad.”

Late Sunday afternoon I came home finding that my house was rather cool; cooler than most times in the summer. Then I realized I couldn’t turn the air conditioning off. I have an old thermostat and had never replaced it. At first I panicked thinking “how will I shut this off? What if it ruins the whole unit? Not having had to do any of this kind of domestic stuff it through me into a 10 minute dither until I said to myself, “Linda, just shut the breaker off!” I then had time to think about who I would call in the morning to install a new thermostat. I got out of my “resistance” and realized I had more options to deal with my mini-crisis.

Many people think that unhappiness comes from a lack of external sources or options, but it’s the same as having happiness. It comes from our selves. Copyright 2010

To schedule my workshop called “Stress Management Comes From Within” or any others on relationships or communication please call me at 708.253.5600 or email me at rippleeffect10@comcast.net.

Simple & Effective Holistic Counseling

Simple & Effective Holistic Counseling For: 

• Relationships
• Self-Sabotaging Behaviors
• Communicating More Effectively
• Illness and How to Deal with it
• Sensitivity to Others’ Comments and Behaviors

And others… 

Linda McCarrin of The Ripple Effect Personal & Professional Development provides effective, short-term, innovative and intuition-driven holistic counseling. After an initial consultation done either by phone or in person, sessions are then done in an efficient and convenient setting by phone. This maximizes the learning by not being distracted with travel time. The goal is to assist you over the rough spots in  your life, while providing you with new ways of understanding while transforming these perceived difficulties into healthier ways of functioning.  This fosters newly found perceptions, attitudes and behaviors, leading to a greater connection between mind, body and spirit.  This is accomplished through your active participation both within and between counseling sessions, with home assignments given out as needed. These “assignments” are models that can be readily applied in your daily life.  In time, life flows more easily due to less resistance and struggle. Your life becomes a journey that you look forward to, and you find that your initial difficulties don’t have the power they used to have over you. Find out about Linda’s background by visiting her website at www.rippleeffectpresentations.net

Rippleeffect10@comcast.net or 708.253.5600

Workplace Relationships Take Special Treatment

Where do we get to choose our relationships and where do we have no choice? We get to choose our friends, but not our family or co-workers. Figure that the workplace is one area where a group of random people are plunked down in some sort of space and told to work with one another. Of course there are criteria as to why managers and supervisors pick their candidates. Do you think one of them is how they’ll get along with others? Maybe… maybe not. My guess is that they first look for the most qualified and willing person for the job.

I say willing because some job openings have either been open for quite a while or have had multiple times when a certain position is open. That’s what happened to me many years ago. And the problem was that I didn’t ask enough questions about the position, such as: How many people have held this job in the past seven or so years? Who asks that kind of question? You do if you want to know the history of the job and the potential, if any issues there were with others who took that position. Some places are just notorious for turnover. Your interviewer is not going to give you the scoop on who has been there causing problems, but you might want to know who you would be working with and following up with. If there is person you need to rely on for your job to go smoothly…you want to meet them and ask them questions.

Which brings me to asking you what patterns are you aware of when it comes to your workplace behavior? I ask that because as in all social cultures we tend to be a certain person when it comes to our “way of being.”  You may want to ask yourself these questions when it comes to your patterns of behavior “at the office.”

 1)      How do I react to difficult workplace situations?

Do I want to run and hide, divert attention away from the problem or look to solve it in an aggressive manner?

2)      Do I apologize again and again even if I know you are right?

3)      Have I repeatedly been disappointed when I’ve worked hard and gotten little or no thanks or feedback?

4)      Are you afraid to tell your supervisor the truth of what’s going on or how you feel?

If so you may be sabotaging yourself by being unconscious of your own behavioral patterns. This is standard for most of us humans. In one or more important areas of our lives especially when it comes to relationships of any kind we are not conscious of how we react or if we feel trapped as to what to do about it. And the problem with those things is that if you go to another position just to get away from certain types of people, you’re going to carry that baggage with you to the job. So…how do we change?

As human beings we all need validation or we don’t thrive. If your boss doesn’t provide that, you need to ask for it. That might seem like a tall order so as a life coach I ask my clients to start with something smaller. Perhaps be assertive with someone who isn’t so scary. Ask for something from another person who won’t be a total pushover but will provide a little challenge for you and work your way up to your boss. If, on the other hand you’re having a hard time with a co-worker, if you rely on another to finish a task you started or to follow up with customers and they typically don’t, that also reflects on you. What to do? I suggest going to the source. Go to your co-worker. Use the “Sandwich Strategy.” First tell them something good about them (the 1^st outer layer of the sandwich). For example, I realize you have a lot of people to follow up with and you do a good job, however, Mr. & Mrs. ______   needs an answer to their question before tomorrow. If you’re too swamped to do it, would you like me to take it to __________ (supervisor) and have her/him follow up with them? (Wait for their answer and you’ll know how they feel. Let it be known that you are making sure that someone gets in touch with these people. And finally, if they agree to follow up, thank them and point out something else that they are particularly good with. If they give you a hard time, you can say, “I was hoping we could resolve this ourselves, but now I’ll need to take it to ______________ ( your supervisor). This way you’ve shown them that you’re willing to work with them but not at the expense of your time, talent, energy and reputation. You also won’t look like a doormat in front of them.

Workplace relationships are different than friends. While we can become friends with some of our co-workers over time, we haven’t chosen to work with them and we don’t know their patterns of behavior nor do they know ours until we work together for some time. Trust is the glue that holds any relationship together.

What Is Your “Default Mode?”

Is your “way of being” getting in the way? 

One of my old computers had a mechanism that allowed me to eliminate a certain number of steps in order to shut the computer down. It was labeled “Default Mode.” I would click that icon and the computer would go into the mode that I had set. It was an easy way to turn the computer off or go to another setting. Being that I love to work with words and phrases I started applying this concept to my life. I started thinking what default mode I go into in certain situations.

Just recently I realized that in a close relationship if I were uncomfortable with how the conversation was going I would circumvent it, defer to another topic, or even shut down altogether. What was I accomplishing other than trading my immediate comfort for some future agony when things would only get worse between the two of us.

In the professional world this can have lasting affects on people since co-workers and management look at the way you approach everything from making decisions to handling conflict. Certainly keeping your lip zipped has its advantages so as not to raise the heat factor in any given situation, but also having additional tools in your communication toolbox can help.

One of those tools is a self-assessment I call the IFDA Model. You assess where you are at in the equation by asking yourself based on a scale of 0-10, how Intense you are about the issue and those involved. Of course if you’re a 1, 2, or 3 your eyebrows might be raised, a 4, 5, or 6 your pulse might be a bit higher, if you’re a 7- 10 it might be wise to take your blood pressure and if you’re off the charts…sit down and put your head between your knees or call the paramedics! The key to gauging your Intensity is to compare it to another time when you were triggered about something.

The “F” stands for Frequency, that is, how often does this situation occur AND how often does it trigger something in you? How often does something “come up” for you? By the way, it doesn’t have to be the same situation. The key here is to ask yourself what do these occurrences have in common that you keep pressing your buttons?

“D” stands for Duration. How long is this upset lasting? How long did the last upset last? Are the numbers going up or down? Are you becoming more agitated or less? Remember this is your own self-assessment and you need not share it with anyone. Keep it as a tool to figure out how you handle stress, disagreement or conflict.

Lastly the “A” stand for Action. You may say that sometime you don’t take action. You don’t say anything or do anything about the current issue. Your choice is to take no Action and that is an Action of its own.

Speaking of Actions…what is your default mode? What action do you usually take when a co-worker or family member takes you to task on something? Rather than running through a list of characteristics common to how humans handle conflict such as avoidance, fight or flight, I’d like you to consider these four ways of being and decide which one is most like you. Are you a person who has a…

1) Short fuse + Few/No Boundaries? This person’s idea of a crisis is the local drug store didn’t have her favorite shade of lipstick or his usual deodorant on sale. Seriously though, how do you handle changes in your daily schedule? What is your reaction when traffic is delayed due to an accident or construction? What if your child decides that the sport you intended them to participate in isn’t the one they are fond of? (How many of us have at one time or another lived out our lives vicariously through our children?) What if you a co-worker continually asks you how to do a certain computer program or your neighbor calls or comes over everything they need a plumbing problem solved?
Having a short fuse and few or no boundaries ( a.k.a. saying “No”) is an unhealthy way of being. You need to work on creating more boundaries in your relationships and your fuse will lengthen.

2) Short fuse + Boundaries- This combination could be healthy because you have the ability to let people know where you stand since you have boundaries. People won’t take advantage of your time or energy. However, you run the risk of having a smaller social circle. Due to your short fuse people tend to avoid you or include you in office or friendly outings not knowing when you’ll “go off.”  You can feel safe that because you do have a good handle on your boundaries you can lighten up a bit knowing people won’t take advantage of you and thus lengthen your fuse. As a result you’ll be looked at as more fun to be around and be included in more social or professional events.

3) Long Fuse + No Boundaries – This combination indicates a high probability of  being taken advantage of and being seen as meek and mild and potentially bullying material. Because of your long fuse you may be a good listener and nurturer but you do so at the cost of your time, energy, money, job, or sanity! Because you can’t say no or suggest a different time frame to engage with people they think you’ll always be there. It’s the “Give it to Mikey, he eats anything!” syndrome. People will ask you to do a little more work for them or will personally think you don’t take a stand on anything. You are a potential for being taken advantage of, being harassed, and possibly being bullied into situations. Start working on boundaries first. The first time you say “No” to a request or the first time you make a request of someone else people will start to look at you differently. Start with something you feel comfortable with and work on a more challenging one after that. Hire a life coach to get you through the first few difficult months.

4) Long Fuse + Boundaries – Out of the four ways of being this is the most healthy. Your long fuse allows you to assess situations and your reactions to them. It helps you to figure out what the repercussions may be when considering your responses. Having boundaries helps you say what you want to say and stick to your word. Having boundaries means that when a questionable scenario arises you’ll have the confidence to know how to handle per your own moral code. People actually look to you for guidance. They respect the fact that you don’t react quickly and when you do it’s based on some thought you’ve given to the matter. 

Life presents considerable challenges. It is the way we handle those challenges that so often determines the outcome. Boundaries aren’t taught so much as they are modeled. If you didn’t have that modeling present in your upbringing, life can be more challenging. All is not lost however! Self parenting strategies are the key to learning how to pull in the reins when people and situations present themselves. Self parenting works on the boundaries that weren’t set in place early in life. It aids in gaining control of one’s life in order to feel more safe, sane, and secure.

For a sample of how to Self Parent, call Linda McCarrin, at 708.253.5600, email her at rippleeffect10@comcast.net or visit her website at www.rippleeffectpresentations.net

Effective Positive Reinforcement Motivates Others

While the economy is beginning to show signs of improvement, it is still a mixed bag. Some industries are in an upswing, others are still being challenged, When economic conditions are still teetering, it is easy for employees to become negative. To make sure employees stay positive, all managers must help ensure their employees are engaged.

Engaged employees are more likely to be productive and less likely to leave as the economy continues to improve thus saving you money on hiring and training. One of the most overlooked and simple ways to engage employees is by expressing honest, sincere appreciation for their efforts. By expressing appreciation for what others contribute, you will benefit as much as they will. The way you treat others is a direct reflection of the way you think about them.  What? You don’t think about them in that way? Try making a distinction between what they do and who they are. We are all human beings capable of error but also capable of great work. To know that they are appreciated for whom they are means taking your emotions out of the equation. Not an easy thing to do! Perhaps you become irritated with Tom, who is chronically late, but does a great job on photo enhancements. By focusing on past and recent accomplishments, you can use what I call “The Sandwich Response.”

• Acknowledge Tom for an account he was able to get or save in the past. Show him how it benefitted him or the company.
• Tell him that since you value his input, perhaps he could come in at 8 AM (the prescribed time) or earlier in order to show you how he does a certain process. Set up a few dates and times to do so. Eventually, he could show these to others, thus freeing your time up.
• Close with how you enjoy having him working at the company, being a team member, or other such attribute.

You have now successfully used “The Sandwich Response” using 1) an acknowledgement or affirmation of an accomplishment of your employee, 2) Stated how you’d like to know more about his work but only offering an “on-time” commitment, and 3) Summed up your positive affirmation by telling him that you’re glad to have him working for you.

In the face of working with difficult people, acknowledging other’s strengths can also go a long way. Each individual’s social effectiveness is rooted in his or her self-concept whether it’s true or perceived. When he or she is critical, hostile, or unkind, it is almost always because his or her self-concept is threatened. As a manager, you are responsible for fostering positive environments. Fostering a positive environment can help managers work with employees and challenge them on their attitudes. So next time you give a compliment, instead of just saying “good job,” offer a sincere comment that has the following attributes.

• Identifies a trait that you respect, admire, or appreciate in the individual.
  • “Joan, you showed much patience with our new client, Ulta Electronix, which is what he needed to gain trust in our product.”
• Expresses your admiration for the trait.
  • “Knowing you would handle Jim in that way, reassured me that you were the one for that account. Jim needed your patience in order to know he could trust our processes and procedures.”
• Supports your opinion about the trait with specific evidence – something you have observed the person doing.
  • “I’ve noticed you paced yourself rather well with Marla, our new employee. That’s one of the reasons I knew you were ready for the UE account.”

By making comments based on your employees attributes you can build or alter a person’s self-concept for the better. Like mentioned above, your work environment will be filled with positive and engaged employees and you’ll enjoy going to work, as well.

What good is having a high “IQ” if your “EQ” is in the toilet!

Whether you are building friendships, a family, or an organization, the quality of the  emotional support and overall “feel-good feelings” amongst everyone will expand in direct proportion to the degree that each member trustS one another. Trusting those in your important relationships is seen in your everyday non-verbal and verbal communications and your body language. Here is a quick test of your Emotional Intelligence in Relationships.

• Are you connected to others when talking to most people? How easily distracted are you?
• Are you comfortable with the silence and the pauses in conversations? Do you feel at ease when no one is speaking?
• Are you critical of your own emotions and feelings?
• Do you listen to your “gut feelings when making important decisions?
• Are you aware of when you become stressed?
• Can you easily and quickly calm yourself down when becoming stressed?
• Do you laugh, play or kid around with others? How easily does this come to you?
• Do you incorporate humor to negotiate the rough spots?
• Can you easily deal with differences and disagreements?

Answering “usually” or “most of the time” to most of these questions indicates you have a good start toward emotionally intelligent communication in your relationships. If your answers were primarily “sometimes” or “rarely”, you may want to invest time in personal coaching to see why your “Ways of Being” aren’t making for fulfilling relationships. By raising your personal awareness through a personal coach or holistic counselor life begins to flow in every area.

 For a complimentary coaching or holistic counseling session call me at 708.253.5600 or email me at rippleeffect10@comcast.net. To find out more about The Ripple Effect Personal & Professional Development, visit my website www.Rippleeffectpresentations.net

Hope to hear from you soon,
Linda

Special Coaching and Counseling Packages

Linda McCarrin, from The Ripple Effect Coaching & Holistic Counseling” offers a 20% discount on all monthly coaching and counseling packages.

Monthly packages include your choice of 3 or 4 sessions.
For one month there is a $30.00 fee for the manual “Journey Home to Yourself.”
For two or more months, the manual is $20.00.

Topics addressed but not limited to are: Relationships, Communication, How To Get Along With Difficult People, Weight Management, Stress & Time Management.

Email or call to set a time for a ½ hour complimentary session on the issue most troubling you. Or go to her website at
http://www.rippleeffectpresentations.net/
Rippleeffect10@comcast.net
708.253.5600

FRUSRATED??? Take Lessons from an Oyster !

Mother Nature has a way of teaching us valuable lessons…if we’d only observe! As a life coach, I often hear how frustrated clients, friends, and colleagues are about their life experiences. I have one friend in particular whose calls are often (unconsciously, I’m sure), disguised as a friendly chat to see how I am. Less than half-way into the conversation, I discover her real intent. It usually has something to do with her job or kids or her husband that she is having a problem and she wants to hash it out. I can tell because she’s much more passionate about talking about them than asking me how my life is going! That’s okay, I listen, learn, and give my take on the situation. There are things I want to vent about some days, too.

What occurred for me while watching a PBS presentation was how nature can be a real teacher for all of us. This particular show was about how cultured pearls were made. It showed how Mr. Mikimoto came to be known for his ingenious idea. He observed nature and realized a fortune from Her. He inserted an irritant, like the grain of sand that happens naturally, into the oyster. Oysters need this to get the pearl started and instead of depending on nature to do its exhausting process, Mr. Mikimoto found a way to speed it up. This irritant is the necessary ingredient to produce a beautiful gem.

So, too, it is with us humans. We need something to spur us on to grow! Often times we become “irritated” by the circumstances in our life. Think of a frustration you’ve had in your life…something that really got your goat! What were your thoughts about it? Di you become so frustrated that you began judging the person or people involved? Did you perhaps judge yourself? Were you bothered by the lack of support offered? Did people’s reactions disturb you? In general, did you feel dissatisfied!

If so, let’s return to how the oyster handles it’s irritant. How DOES the oyster handle those grains of sand? What does it do in order to produce that beautiful piece of artistry?

It does exactly what we should do…it PERSISTS! It USES the very situation it is in to come to a beautiful conclusion! It keeps trying to get that irritant out of its shell. It does everything in its power to expel it not knowing that what it produces is so valuable!

You know where I’m going with this analogy. If we PERSIST by using our frustration as a source of inspiration for ourselves (and possibly others) what solutions might we come up with? By persisting we may just stumble on a solution we never expected. By persisting we may discover other resources for our “problem” that we never would have without that very irritation! If nothing else, we can us the frustration as a catalyst for the change we need in our lives!

The next time you find yourself getting frustrated or perplexed about an issue life is presenting to you, think of that oyster trying to get rid of that irritating grain of sand and how it uses to produce the treasure…a pearl. What you’ll find is the gem you’ve been hiding inside yourself all along!